How Freedom found me

Passed out on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet, nearly unconscious, I realized I couldn’t go on like this anymore. If things continued, whether true or not, I was convinced that I was slowly going to die at the age of sixteen…

There are turning points in all of our lives. One of mine came two years prier to my passing out in the bathroom. I was fourteen years old when my mother came to me one afternoon and said, “pack your stuff right now. I’m leaving your father this afternoon.” My father was gone that day on a business meeting. We had only a few hours to take what we wanted and pile into the car for a quick getaway. At the moment I couldn’t imagine anything more traumatic than my mother uttering those words to me. It was overwhelming, and scary. I knew things had been bad between my parents but I didn’t know my mother intended to leave.

My brother and sister and I went into hiding that afternoon with my mother. We stayed at a friend’s house for the next month. It was a very confusing, terrifying time for all of us.

Eventually things cooled down a bit after a nearly tragic event that almost took my father’s life. We ended up moving back into our home, and my father moved out and got his own place.

Deep scars left there mark on my heart.

This was the beginning of my walking down a very dark path. Living broken, feeling alone, and taking on the shame of my parents sins, led me to make some poor choices. I hated my life. Everything felt so out of control. I began to withdraw within myself and… I stopped eating.

Looking back it feels so cliché to see. Sadly, eating disorders are so common. But it is what it is, and it a part of my story.

I became anorexic.

By the age of sixteen I was 5 feet 4 inches and weighted 90 pounds. I weighed myself incessantly. I ate small amounts of food to sustain me, but I lived mostly off of crackers, baby carrots, and Advil.

One afternoon I felt particularly weak and ill. I had eaten almost nothing that entire week. My mother had gone out for the afternoon. I don’t remember where my brother was, but my sister and I were the only ones home. I laid down in bed for a bit. Then it hit me, a wave of nauseousness. I rushed to the bathroom and threw up what little was in my stomach. Then I continued to dry heave for while. After, I passed out right there in front of the toilet. I had no strength. I felt ashamed, and frightened. I thought for sure this was it, and I was going to die, covered in the shame of my secret.

My sister found me there after I don’t know how long. She called for help. This was before the days of cell phones, so since my mom was out, and couldn’t be reached she called a friend of my mom’s to come over.

The details of what happened next are really fuzzy in my mind. Through a haze I remember Mrs. B meeting me on the floor of where I lay, taking my pulse. Somehow they got me up and down the stairs to rest on the couch. I tried convincing them that I was fine and that I probably just had the flu. I knew it was a lie. I don’t know if Mrs. B believed me or not, but she had her husband, who is a Doctor, come over and check on me. He couldn’t find anything wrong with me.

Shortly after all of this. Mrs. B invited me out to lunch. Feeling desperate and scared, I confessed to her that I struggled to eat.

When you find someone you know you can trust, there is such a release of a burden when you can share your heart.

Mrs. B never condemned me, or tried to force me to do anything. She became my champion, and encourager. She took me under her wing and began to mentor me. She knew what my soul really needed. It didn’t need to be judged, reprimanded, or forced. I needed the lies that I believed about myself to be exposed. I needed to know what Jesus thought of me, and who my true identity really was.

She took me through a study on identity in Christ (a book by Neil T. Anderson) and taught me through scripture.

“Getting right with God always begins with settling once and for all the issue that God is your loving Father and you are His accepted child. That’s the basic truth of your spiritual identity. You are a child of God, you are created in His image, you have been declared righteous by Him because you have put your trust in Christ. As long as we believe that and walk accordingly, our daily experience of walking with Christ will result in growth. But when we get our eyes off our identity and try instead to become something we aren’t, or wish we were somebody else, we’ll struggle.” -Anderson, Neil T.. Stomping Out the Darkness: Discover Your True Identity in Christ and Stop Putting Up with the World's Garbage! (pp. 33-34).

This was the beginning of the long road to healing my broken body and soul. I don’t want to oversimplify this issue, because change did not happen overnight. It was long and hard. But beginning to understand who I was in Christ, and freedom from the prison that I had put myself in was what I desperately needed. It took me years of battling against my self, and the temptation to slip back into old ways, and sometimes I did. The Lord was faithful during those times to remind me again and again, by bring scripture to my mind, and also providing a friend to encourage me. Healing for me, required accountability to a trusted friend, who could hold me up and encourage me when I was falling.

In those early days of growth and healing, I read and reread these life altering, hope filled truths. Over the years I continue to come back to them, because I find I need to. Though these verses just barely scratch the surface, there is so much more in His Word about this.

Since I am in Christ, by the grace of God …

I am now acceptable to God (justified) and completely forgiven. I live at peace with Him (Romans 5:1).

The sinful person I used to be died with Christ, and sin no longer rules my life (Romans 6:1-6).

I am free from the punishment (condemnation) my sin deserves (Romans 8:1).

I have been placed into Christ by God’s doing (1 Corinthians 1:30).

I have received God’s Spirit into my life. I can recognize the blessings He has given me (1 Corinthians 2:12).

I have been given the mind of Christ. He gives me His wisdom to make right choices (1 Corinthians 2:16).

I have been bought with a price; I am not my own; I belong to God (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).

I am God’s possession, chosen and secure in Him (sealed). I have been given the Holy Spirit as a promise of my inheritance to come (2 Corinthians 1:21-22; Ephesians 1:13-14).

Since I have died, I no longer live for myself, but for Christ (2 Corinthians 5:14-15).

I have been made acceptable to God (righteous) (2 Corinthians 5:21).

I have been crucified with Christ and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live is Christ’s life (Galatians 2:20).

I have been blessed with every spiritual blessing (Ephesians 1:3).

I was chosen in Christ to be holy before the world was created. I am without blame before Him (Ephesians 1:4).

I was chosen by God (predestined) to be adopted as His child (Ephesians 1:5).

I have been bought out of slavery to sin (redeemed) and forgiven. I have received His generous grace (Ephesians 1:7-8).

I have been made spiritually alive just as Christ is alive (Ephesians 2:5).

I have been raised up and seated with Christ in heaven (Ephesians 2:6).

I have direct access to God through the Spirit (Ephesians 2:18).

I may approach God with boldness, freedom and confidence (Ephesians 3:12).

I have been rescued from the dark power of Satan’s rule and have been brought into the kingdom of Christ (Colossians 1:13).

I have been forgiven of all my sins and set free. The debt against me has been cancelled (Colossians 1:14).

Christ Himself lives in me (Colossians 1:27).

I am firmly rooted in Christ and am now being built up in Him (Colossians 2:7).

I am fully grown (complete) in Christ (Colossians 2:10).

I am spiritually clean. My old sinful self has been removed (Colossians 2:11).

I have been buried, raised and made alive with Christ (Colossians 2:12-13).

I died with Christ and I have been raised up with Christ. My life is now hidden with Christ in God. Christ is now my life (Colossians 3:1-4).

I have been given a spirit of power, love and self-control (2 Timothy 1:7).

I have been saved and set apart (sanctified) according to God’s plan (2 Timothy 1:9; Titus 3:5).

Because I am set apart (sanctified) and one with Christ, He is not ashamed to call me His brother or sister (Hebrews 2:11).

I have the right to come boldly before the throne of God. He will meet my needs lovingly and kindly (Hebrews 4:16).

I have been given great and valuable promises. God’s nature has become a part of me (2 Peter 1:4).- Anderson, Neil T.. Stomping Out the Darkness: Discover Your True Identity in Christ and Stop Putting Up with the World's Garbage! (p. 36).

Let these words wash over you. Read them again and again. Pray over them. Dig into His Word for yourself to see how much we have been given. Remind yourself of these truths in the dark places of your journey, and thank Him for these promises when you are walking through the highs and joys of this life.

They are indeed the most precious words your eyes will ever behold.

Many years ago, I wrote a paper for a class in collage, using parts of my story and what the Lord had taught, and was continuing to teach me. After reading my paper, a teacher asked me to speak at the next women’s chapel. I am by no means a public speaker, I hate it actually, but I did it. I told my story, through trembling hands, to a group of women. I found that, what I figured was truth, was that I was not alone. There were many who came to me after admitting past or current struggles.

Since then I have not really shared this story with very many people.

I am a pretty deeply private person, I have my reasons for being so. I don’t often share my heart like this, especially in such a public format, however I have felt the nudging of the Spirit that it was important once again to share because I know there are many out there who are struggling.

Your struggle may not be like my own, but whatever it is I can guarantee it is a spiritual issue. It all begins with first understanding what Christ did for each of us, accepting that, realizing our brokenness and that it was fully paid for on the Cross.

Unfortunately, in my experience over the past 22 years, this is where I see people get stuck. They get stuck at the Cross- at salvation and never move past it. They don’t fully realize their potential of walking in victory. They don’t know who they are. They keep looking back at the cross and focus on sin. I want to tell you though, that while it begins at the cross there is so much more after. Jesus came for so much more than just salvation. He truly did come to give us freedom-freedom from looking at our sins all the time and living in shame. We can walk with heads held high, knowing that we are loved, accepted, and given everything we need to live this life we have been called to. We are no longer slaves.

My heart is for you dear sojourner. I pray you find through His Word just how loved and valuable you are. I pray you will walk in freedom. It is truly life changing. It changes how you see everything. I pray you can move from the cross and lift your eyes to the Heavenly places where your position really is. Press forward and run the race that is set before us. Fixing our eyes on Jesus. There is so much healing and hope in our Savior.

*Some great books on this topic… Victory over the Darkness by Neil T. Anderson, Stomping out the Darkness (for Teens) by Neil T Anderson, The Complete Green letters by Miles Stanford, The Normal Christian Life by Watchman Nee

P.S. A note to those of you who have in the past or do struggle with eating disorders (and by the way this topic is just a subplot to what this article was really about)… You know that the struggle is actually a life long battle. For me it does not look the way it did when I was 16, but there are other struggles of the mind. I do not struggle with eating like I did then, but when other things come up I have to recognize the lies and go to scripture, and be reminded of my true identity. Also, I just want to recognize that while I did not get medical or clinical help for my eating disorder, oftentimes that is what is necessary. I just wanted to make sure that I don’t make light of the seriousness of it. While God does the ultimate healing of our hearts, sometimes it is very necessary to seek outside help from medical professionals, I firmly believe this!